meus intuitus

nah

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New Yorkers are a lot like me. There are people unlike me but also a lot of people a lot like me.

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Written by meusintuitus

December 14, 2014 at 8:23 pm

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Manhattan

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Manhattan paradoxically evokes within me a sense of simultaneous isolation and community. Never have I been so anonymous, but rarely have I felt so a part of an enormity.

Written by meusintuitus

December 13, 2014 at 7:03 pm

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peak experience 12FR1214

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A million lives, crossing, swirling, striving, wanting. A sea of disparate intention. The intersection below, the people scurrying about with the importance of black ants. The yellow taxis slipping amidst one another. A honk, a shout, and the ever persistent hum of it all. I look in a window to my left, a young man of average build slumped in a tan couch watching TV. His living space is nicely put together and appears comfortable, I think to myself. I look in a window to my right, a man with his laptop on his lap, the blue glow of a retina/LCD giving his face a cold glow. I look in the window above him, lights are on, but nobody is visible. I look up again, dark windows before another light one, this one with a diorama partitioned by the bars of vertical blinds. The hum of the city persists, it fills me, I inhale gladly the sea of disparate intention.

Written by meusintuitus

December 12, 2014 at 8:12 pm

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peak experience 11TH1214

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Code: G0R1S

I… Remember… Shouting, and my son had to hold me and stop me and when he did that I… Peed myself, I’ve never done anything like that before. I was screaming… GET THEE BEHIND ME SATAN, GET THEE BEHIND ME SATAN. My family had to hold me down, you remember the bruises. I used to be such a caring and giving person and now I’m in here looking out (looks out window)… I never thought I would be this… Crazy person.

Can I offer you something? I still think you’re an incredibly caring and giving person and you’re definitely not crazy.

Thank you, gorgeous… I used to be so close to god, I used to be so high on god. Now I’m just… empty.

It sounds like it came pretty easy–Is spirituality supposed to be easy?

No not always, it’s just that I feel so alone. I’m in a… a dark place. I don’t feel him there.

Just because you don’t feel him there does it mean he’s not?

No of course I know he’s always there… I’m just… I’m just suffering so much. There’s just so much suffering…

Is there any meaning in suffering?

…no. My life used to have so much meaning. I mean, it still does. I have my family, my children… I just feel meaningless.

Can I offer you a thought? At least to me meaning isn’t just what happens to us but how we face it and I think you are doing a wonderful job.

Thank you gorgeous.

(Can we bring meaning to these terrifying experiences our patients have? How? Or should we?)

Written by meusintuitus

December 12, 2014 at 8:06 pm

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Coworker

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Hmm, I seem to have estranged a new friend. I may have made a few assumptions about our similarities that weren’t there and prodded some insecurities. Welp, let’s keep meeting new people. Keep reaching out—people have been surprisingly open to an honest effort to connect.

Written by meusintuitus

November 17, 2014 at 9:42 am

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in New York

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You are what you wear.

Written by meusintuitus

October 18, 2014 at 4:25 am

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Setting Limits

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No. I will come in to work on Monday when I please. I already come earlier than anyone and I leave later than anyone. I worked more than 80 hours this past week. I do my best and maybe that’s not at the level of other medicine interns, but I expect to be treated with respect.

Written by meusintuitus

October 5, 2014 at 7:44 am

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