meus intuitus

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passing on

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If a death is a defeat, then every physician is a failure.  It is as ludicrous as it sounds, but it is standard sentiment in our culture.  Unfortunately, the real failure is in the traumatic, undignified, and immature form death has taken in our hospitals.

We physicians are more than scientists.  We are healers.  We are guides.  We are human—and we can offer our patients more than pills and interventions.


Written by meusintuitus

March 15, 2011 at 7:51 pm


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I sit here in my heated library in a health system that spans acres snacking on salted peanuts wearing a sweatsuit that a very distant Chinese cousin of mine probably helped to stitch together.

One of our required readings for tomorrow talked about neglected, but treatable diseases that afflict the “bottom billion” of the world.  What is the bottom billion?  They are the poorest billion people in the world.  They are mostly subsistence farmers.  They have nothing.  Well, almost nothing except for a very occasional meal and hookworms.

The “bottom billion.”  The semantics haunt me.  They make me realize that I am, what, the “top hundred million?”  They make me realize that my career path is taking me towards the “top few dozen million.”  Out of almost seven billion people on this planet, I was born into the life of the richest millions.

For all the success I can achieve in this life, my life will be nothing greater than ironic.  Indeed, my life will be a deacdes-long setup to a glorious punchline.  For all the counseling I’ll do, all the chemotherapy I’ll guide, and all the lives I’ll touch, what will it be that makes my so “virtuous” and “noble” life possible?  It will be the oil pumped by slave-wage workers, fabrics stitched by slave-wage children, and food grown by machines whose metals were smelted by slave-wage men.

Good one.

Written by meusintuitus

January 16, 2011 at 3:49 pm

Body Image And Some Dark Times

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I am happy with a lot of my life right now, but there is one aspect of my life that I can not help but stress about–my body.  As an ex-obese person, I am very aware of my body and the changes it goes through.  At the “peak” of my physical fitness (just some 12 months ago), I had a modest six pack.  For various reasons since, I have slipped a bit and put on some fat.  This has become quite a source of stress for me.  Yet now, I wonder, which is the greater evil?  To be misaligned with society’s definition of physical attractiveness or to suffer nothing but lean meats and whole vegetables on the daily basis?

Well, I suppose that once I go to medical school and am living off campus again, I will put more effort into providing myself more variety than chicken thighs and salad.  Until then, I am just going to have to deal with the stress of using power of will to overcome poor food choices in the dining halls.

It seems I am regaining the level of passion for life that I used to possess over a year ago.  I do not recall why, but until this last month, I have been in relatively dark spirits.  I questioned my ability to maintain a decent lifestyle.  My motivation for my studies was at a six year low, I loathed each workout I forced myself into, I stopped reading altogether.  I questioned who I was and what I was capable of.  I felt brunt out by life.  I thought about how hard I worked in years prior and I felt like those days were coming to an end…  but I struggled through it all and maintained grades and a physique not very noticeably off from where I should have been had my mindset been better.  The burnout seems to be lifting.

I have been computer gaming a lot this semester and even more during this winter off.  Perhaps all I needed was a break–some time to be a semi waste of life.  Now, the appeal of the game I have been playing is diminishing, workouts are becoming enjoyable again, this semester looks exciting, and Atlas Shrugged is getting fun.

I guess I am on my way back 🙂

Written by meusintuitus

January 14, 2010 at 11:58 pm