meus intuitus

Archive for September 2014

Learning

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What have we learned from Jen? We have learned to appreciate people for who they are, not who we want them to be. We have practicing tolerating ambivalence in relationships. We have learned that idealization/devaluation and splitting are issues for me to watch out for. We have learned that dating another intuitive is great, but not a deal breaker. We have learned that relationships require sacrifice of time and freedom. We have learned that values, temperament, spirituality, and humor are also great ways to be compatible. We have learned how to grow intimate with someone slowly, to learn about someone over months instead of thinking we know all about someone through infatuation.

Something I still need to work on is ambivalence tolerance—holding both the good and the bad sides of a person in my mind at the same time to have a more cohesive image of them, both more honest than a moment of infatuation and more forgiving than a moment of hate.

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September 16, 2014 at 4:59 pm

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Jennifer

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She was starting to let me in and our conversations were actually good, but there was an intense edge to he that was hard to be around. She did like control and I felt it a little—her working on my memory, my diet, her disapproval of my smoking was understandable but henpecking so early on is a red flag. She was also very entitled. It was my job to impress her and I sensed that she took certain things for granted. I remember her rigidity, the anger about the hippo, the anger when I showed my intelligence to her sister’s boyfriend, the impatience palpable over text messages as she ignored certain questions, the way she snapped “SHOES OFF,” “SIT DOWN,” and “DON’T MAKE FUN OF ME”, the controlling glances, the way she resisted my kiss at EZoo. Remember how she couldn’t do anything without scheduling it far in advance, how she couldn’t even meet for a little after call just to see one another. Remember the resistance to trying new things. Remember her anger at different ideas. Remember her triumphant gloat about analog maps when google maps wasn’t working well for me—being right is a matter of pride for her and that’s an unsustainable game for me. Remember how she would judge me harshly based on what I remembered about her or not. Remember how distant her texts were. Maybe I was a good fit for her, I could make her laugh, chill her out, but she was not a good fit for me. There are a lot of things that she did that could have been forgivable. I get it if girls want guys to remember things about them, but I also value a sense of humor and some flexibility. She was dead serious and kept points about things I did for her or remembered about her and that’s not cool.

I don’t blame her. There are reasons why she is however she is. Deep down though she is a funny, genuine, and sensitive girl. I am going to miss that her, but I can’t help that she wasn’t my style. I care, but I can’t change her and I accept that. There are some things within my control and others that are not.

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September 16, 2014 at 4:42 pm

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What NEED do relationships serve?

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What I need more than anything is to feel understood. All of my most important friendships are with people who “get” me in ways that others do not. Everybody needs to feel understood and I need it perhaps a little more than is typical. Historically I have judged people based on my sense of how well they empathize with others. There are a lot of incredible, inspiring, and principled people who have not been noteworthy to me because of this. I’m growing and maturing in that I can appreciate different sorts of people better. However, I think that in my intimate relationships this need may never go away.

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September 9, 2014 at 5:02 pm

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dating for dating’s sake

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I’ve been fretting over dating for a while now but I guess that’s because I’ve been trying to find “the one.” As it turns out people date for all sorts of reasons—adventure, boredom, sex, loneliness, learning. I guess it’s time to loosen up and just date whomever. I’ll keep an eye out for “the one,” but each engagement doesn’t have to be an all-or-nothing rumination festival of death about whether this is the one or not. I’ll just enjoy the rides (oh the meanings to that word).

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September 3, 2014 at 6:04 pm

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To Vivian and others…

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…like Jordan. I’m sorry for the hurtful words. I had the wrong attitude not just towards dating but towards people in general. I was incredibly judgmental and quick to “peg” people into really unjust boxes and I never gave a lot of people a chance at all. Y’all were not alone. There must be hundreds of decent and great people that I wrote off before even opening the cover on over the years.

I’m not someone who has a lot of regrets. I usually chalk things up to “I did the best for myself at the time.” However, with this important insight comes a regret of comparable proportion because the the missed opportunity and injustice is so massive…  All those people and not a chance.

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September 3, 2014 at 2:20 pm

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