meus intuitus

Archive for August 2014

OCPD spectrum

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She states herself that she “loves control”—hence her choice of specialty of opthalmology where she admits she has a sense of absolute control over the environment and procedure. She also admits to being uncomfortable with more chaotic specialties like emergency medicine. Evidence of the diagnosis is as follows:

1. Anger when situation is not controllable: I arrived five minutes earlier to a dinner than she expected and she was visibly irritated and snapped at me. A dog barked loudly on the street, startling her, and she was furious and indignant stating “this is why I hate dogs.”

2. Expresses affection in controlled and stilted fashion: Texts even after a month of dating are generally (thought not always) unemotional and formal. Although she is more physically affectionate, she has a formal and serious tone to her interactions even after a month of dating.

3. Fiercely punctual: Sets a time well in advance of every date well in advance and adheres to the time rigidly. When alterations are made they are poorly tolerated.

4. Inefficient perfectionism: Although unconfirmed, she may take a long time to get ready for work or outings due to perfectionistic rituals. I suspect this because she has reported using two hours before work to prepare for work.

5. Excessively devoted to work or productivity at the expense of leisure activities and friendships. I get the sense that I have been her main source of social interaction during our time dating.

6. Shows significant rigidity and stubbornness: She is very intolerant of opposing opinions—no discourse for the sake of learning or enjoyment can be had. She is very intolerant of being wrong even with petty observations like mistaking a statue of a hippo for a rhino.

OCPD is based in insecurity. At the core of it all—the rigidity, the perfectionism, the intolerance of jokes, the anger—is insecurity. They are people who are uncomfortable¬†with themselves and so they project this discomfort onto the world by trying to create comfortable predictability to an extreme degree.

Overall she can be a sweet and even understanding girl and I feel very bad for her. My empathy causes me to feel her agony and given my role as a lover and not as a therapist I can not help her.

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Written by meusintuitus

August 31, 2014 at 4:34 pm

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Track Record

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It’s interesting. The way Jennifer approaches relationships is so different from mine. She takes things very slowly both emotionally and physically, gets to know people over months, probably watching for consistency all the while. I don’t know if this is how she handled her past relationships, but she has a track record of two three-four year relationships. One of them was even with someone very very different from her.

Me on the other hand, I have historically been all about the passion and the infatuation. That is pretty typical for first loves, but my first also had Borderline Personality Disorder so even though we dated for some 18 months we never had a chance to mature beyond a chaotic infatuation. Additionally I have my own issues with rumination and borderline-spectrum traits. Our relationship was an ongoing storm of getting together and breaking apart—of crisis and infatuation. With that as my trait and formative romance it’s no wonder that I’ve never been able to form a mature and stable relationship. My relationship with Dani was all passion, with Vivian was a mess, a few casual encounters…

I have a lot to learn. Jennifer has already taught me so much. She’s not perfect, but she’s smart, confident, hot, and, perhaps most importantly, consistent. Ambivalence is normal. Imperfection is normal. Not knowing where you’re going is normal. Trying to predict and forecast every step of the way is destructive. I’m going to do my best to relax for this journey wherever it takes me.

Written by meusintuitus

August 26, 2014 at 12:36 pm

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Wedding Hosts

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To all my married friends whose weddings I had the honor of attending, a toast. I thank you. I thank you for modeling to me what real love looks like—the selflessness, the patience, the devotion. For all my intuitive capacity the true nature of love was not intuitive to me. So I thank you from the bottom of my heart for the lessons and the inspiration. The vows I say today are not entirely my own. In part, they are yours.

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August 22, 2014 at 5:52 am

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Repent and Resolution

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May what happened with Vivian forever be a reminder of what happens when I am selfish. She sensed that I was lonely. She sensed that I suffered. She admired me and she cared. I felt this and I took advantage of her. It is the lowest thing I have ever done.

Love is not about my stimulation, my enjoyment, my pleasure. Love is about her. Love is about us. Love is giving, accepting, patient. Jennifer is an incredible girl. I vow to accept her in her entirety. With her I vow to give. I will give her my best.

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August 22, 2014 at 5:33 am

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Mission Statement

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I have awoken from a reverie. For two weeks now I have been lost in infatuation, rumination, and obsession towards a woman. I agonized over whether she was right for me or not. I strained to fit myself and my vision of my future to her. I thought about her constantly.

For the last two days I have been in distress—wondering about whether she is “right” for me and agonizing over our compatibility. I have awoken to realize that I have been taking this way too seriously and that I have been compromising my self.

My top priority is not to find myself a wife. My top priority is not to fit my massive and sophisticated perspective into the life of another. My top priority is not to “make it work.” Dating is a minor objective. I will date someone only as long as our relations are healthy and not encumbering to my mission. So with this we arrive at my mission statement:

1. To develop myself as a provider of mental health through diligent practice, observation, and study.

2. To broaden my perspective and understanding of the world through exploration of the arts, humanities, ethnic enclaves, and subcultures.

3. To maintain contentment, gratitude, and physical health with every step I take.

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August 19, 2014 at 3:25 pm

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