meus intuitus

Re-Awakening

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This weekend of relative solitude has been pivotal. It has sparked a fundamental change in the way that I will engage this city and also in dating. I recall now that when I arrived I immediately entered a frenzied mode of interaction—taking a on loading dose of activity and also seeking, probing, yearning to find someone I might like to date. For approximately a month I persisted in this. I lived distracted, anxious, and wanting. I drank albeit moderately for several nights a week. I ate my first ramen burger. I went to my first EDM venues Glasslands Gallery and Bossa Nova. I investigated my interest in six women, went on four dates with three of them, and with one had my first one night stand.

Then this weekend came. Feeling overly-worn and overly-neurotic, I halted. On Friday night I stayed in, read, and watched the movie Annie Hall. On Saturday I went to the North Woods of Central Park, walked, sat, read, and later watched a puppet theater production with Tom and Taylor. This Sunday I have yet to leave my little studio. I was taking a break from reading my group psychotherapy papers when I stumbled upon an article on Reddit about the difference between youthful “coolness” and genuine self-actualizaiton. This led me to read the wikipedia page on Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs and in particular the section on “Characteristics of the Self-Actualized.” It was here that I realized that what I had been doing in this last month was living a regressed life. In Maslow’s terms I returned to living a deficiency-motivated existence as opposed to the growth-motivated one that I had cultivated well in my last years in Virginia.

In hindsight, this temporary regression was unpleasant but expected. In Virginia I was agitated and rearing to get to dating. I did not have the dating pool I wanted for so many years so when I arrived in New York I immediately began sprinting. I sprinted straight down into a state of neurosis. I became consumed by the search and ruminative of all the obstacles and factors that worked against me.

I realize now that such a mean objective is not worth so much attention. I will retrain my focus on myself and my good life. I will give dating a small due, but my primary concerns will again be walking my right path.

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Written by meusintuitus

July 27, 2014 at 12:14 pm

Posted in Uncategorized

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