meus intuitus

Archive for July 2014

Psychonaut

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It was a night of good conversation and good connection. Those things rare enough for someone as convoluted as myself. I genuinely enjoyed myself and I think she did too—so much so that we ended up at my place later, initially verbally entangled then non-verbally.

I got the usual post-coital apathy, but was still considerate and courteous. I covered her with a blanket, held her, chatted a bit. I made it clear that I did need some sleep, but I left it up to her if she wanted to stay or not. Eventually she got dressed and left a little too swiftly and coldly.

“Well I’ll message her tomorrow” I thought as I dozed off into dreams peppered lightly with our embrace. The next day I woke up thinking “I actually quite like this one” only to discover later that she had deleted her profile.

I was pretty damn upset even to the point that I had to call one of my old female friends to talk about it, but she assured me that I did nothing wrong. I have to say now that I agree with her on that. I figure now my date was either a girl with some nasty emotional hangup who feels she was seduced, a psychonaut who wanted to share her love of the bitter sides of the human experience with me, or a sociopath.

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July 27, 2014 at 5:06 pm

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Re-Awakening

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This weekend of relative solitude has been pivotal. It has sparked a fundamental change in the way that I will engage this city and also in dating. I recall now that when I arrived I immediately entered a frenzied mode of interaction—taking a on loading dose of activity and also seeking, probing, yearning to find someone I might like to date. For approximately a month I persisted in this. I lived distracted, anxious, and wanting. I drank albeit moderately for several nights a week. I ate my first ramen burger. I went to my first EDM venues Glasslands Gallery and Bossa Nova. I investigated my interest in six women, went on four dates with three of them, and with one had my first one night stand.

Then this weekend came. Feeling overly-worn and overly-neurotic, I halted. On Friday night I stayed in, read, and watched the movie Annie Hall. On Saturday I went to the North Woods of Central Park, walked, sat, read, and later watched a puppet theater production with Tom and Taylor. This Sunday I have yet to leave my little studio. I was taking a break from reading my group psychotherapy papers when I stumbled upon an article on Reddit about the difference between youthful “coolness” and genuine self-actualizaiton. This led me to read the wikipedia page on Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs and in particular the section on “Characteristics of the Self-Actualized.” It was here that I realized that what I had been doing in this last month was living a regressed life. In Maslow’s terms I returned to living a deficiency-motivated existence as opposed to the growth-motivated one that I had cultivated well in my last years in Virginia.

In hindsight, this temporary regression was unpleasant but expected. In Virginia I was agitated and rearing to get to dating. I did not have the dating pool I wanted for so many years so when I arrived in New York I immediately began sprinting. I sprinted straight down into a state of neurosis. I became consumed by the search and ruminative of all the obstacles and factors that worked against me.

I realize now that such a mean objective is not worth so much attention. I will retrain my focus on myself and my good life. I will give dating a small due, but my primary concerns will again be walking my right path.

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July 27, 2014 at 12:14 pm

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The Top of Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs

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1. Maslow’s Characteristics of Self-Actualizers are really similar to Marcus Aurelius’ principles.
2. Peak experiences are those chills explained finally.

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July 27, 2014 at 10:43 am

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Hermanos Guatemaltecas

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Manuelita / Alejandra, Roberto, ?

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July 4, 2014 at 4:30 am

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NYC Thoughts 1

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This is a different world.

I miss my friends—Pranay, Alex, Dennis, Tom, Colleen. Although Charlottesville was a small town, I have yet to meet people of such immense insight and perspective. I thought New York would be a city of great minds and great ideas, but the average person is still the average person. I will be an oddball here just as I have been all my life, but I know who I am so this is not something that can throw me into chaos. It will not be easy, but I am where I ought to be. It did not suit me to sit in a small town in an ivory tower of like-minded individuals. These are the trenches of my practice and my life.

My greatest achievement will be to pass years in this city with my eyes still on my mission and my feet still planted firmly in the values that I cultivated—to remain worthy of the company of my old friends.

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July 4, 2014 at 4:28 am

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