meus intuitus

darkest before the dawn

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For the past few weeks, I have struggled with an existential depression.  Upon beginning winter break, losing the constant distraction of medical training, I found myself contemplating the absurdity of existence.  With spending leisure time in the hectic city of NYC and subsequently the decadent prison of a Cancun resort, I found myself deep within a dark night of the soul.  Purpose.  Illusion.  Meaning.  I felt as though I was bearing the entirety of humanity’s ignorance and life’s emptiness.

Yet turmoil is a sign of progress—or perhaps a catalyst for it.  In the last few days, when I could scarcely bear the lunacy of existence any longer, I found some wisdom:  Acceptance.  I must learn to accept everything—even the illusions.  I must accept that there will be moments where the pendulum of awakening swings from bliss to despair.  However, I can take comfort in the fact that just beyond the seemingly impregnable wall of despair…  is peace.  I live in a world of illusions and questionable meanings.  I live in a world of great darkness, exploitation, and pain.  I live in a world of imperfection.  Human interaction is imperfect, the meanings we ascribe to life are imperfect, any work we can do will be imperfect (psychiatry, while beneficial to many, can not help everyone and will certainly hurt others).  Even the earthly manifestation of our saving grace, Love, is imperfect.  However, the Love is real.

In extrapolation, while greater compatibilities make the task easier, life is not about finding those and doing what I love.  Life is about finding the love in whatever people and work I have.

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Written by meusintuitus

January 1, 2013 at 8:27 pm

Posted in Uncategorized

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