meus intuitus

metamorphosis again

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I am changing.  There is something deep within me changing, if not changed already.  Between the arduousness of life, the pressure of medical school, the shock of recent events, and my new employment of cognitive behavioral skills, I am being honed into something different from what I was before.  I worry less now.  I think more of myself—too much for my own comfort to be honest.  I have always considered myself a nice guy.   The CBT skills have been integral to this recent sensation of change—with them, I am “rewiring” my personality, circumventing my anxious tendencies.  In their absence, I am finding that what remains is no longer “nice.”  I don’t feel like a “nice” guy anymore.  Harder, practical, selfish, uninterested, conceited, though certainly still quite idealistic.  Well, I also suppose I have always been selfish and conceited, but I have always also had torrents of anxiety to keep me kind.

I must continue to be kind.  In the absence of anxiety, kindness will require more deliberate effort.  I must cultivate appreciation, gratitude, and love in my meditations.  I have grown into my claws and if I am not careful, I may injure myself.

Often I have laughed at weaklings who thought themselves good because they had no claws.

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Written by meusintuitus

December 4, 2012 at 9:04 pm

Posted in Uncategorized

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