meus intuitus

Archive for December 2012

choice

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Every moment is a choice.  Every moment is a choice between bitterness, cynicism, despair; and gratitude, love, happiness.

Life is not about doing what you love.  Life is about finding love in the things you do.  Humans have infinite capacity for acclimation, disillusionment, and boredom.  To expect occurrences in life to bring you to ever higher highs is not unlike an addict upping the dosage of his heroin.  This is not to say that we should become complacent, not at all.  We should always strive towards our wildest tomorrows, but we must do so while holding the deepest of appreciations for all the blessings that we enjoy in the present.

My present depression is born of a deep dissatisfaction with the way the world is—from the state of the global economy, to American politics, to the medical profession, to the gross deficiencies in human ability to understand and connect with one another.  I am a dreamer and I can not help but imagine anything and everything better.  However, I forget…  I forget all the blessings upon which my melancholy ponderings are built.  A comfortable home, a loving mother, great step-siblings, a spunky little brother, a silly little sister, a hilarious cousin, the privilege of being a medical professional, an unparalleled degree of career stability, and the most genuine of friends.  I am blessed with gifts rarer than diamonds.  I must never allow myself to be so blinded by my imaginings of better worlds that I lose sight of the beauty in my own.

Written by meusintuitus

December 19, 2012 at 8:22 pm

Posted in expression

metamorphosis again

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I am changing.  There is something deep within me changing, if not changed already.  Between the arduousness of life, the pressure of medical school, the shock of recent events, and my new employment of cognitive behavioral skills, I am being honed into something different from what I was before.  I worry less now.  I think more of myself—too much for my own comfort to be honest.  I have always considered myself a nice guy.   The CBT skills have been integral to this recent sensation of change—with them, I am “rewiring” my personality, circumventing my anxious tendencies.  In their absence, I am finding that what remains is no longer “nice.”  I don’t feel like a “nice” guy anymore.  Harder, practical, selfish, uninterested, conceited, though certainly still quite idealistic.  Well, I also suppose I have always been selfish and conceited, but I have always also had torrents of anxiety to keep me kind.

I must continue to be kind.  In the absence of anxiety, kindness will require more deliberate effort.  I must cultivate appreciation, gratitude, and love in my meditations.  I have grown into my claws and if I am not careful, I may injure myself.

Often I have laughed at weaklings who thought themselves good because they had no claws.

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December 4, 2012 at 9:04 pm

Posted in Uncategorized

BPD

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No, I definitely don’t have borderline personality disorder, but I am a bit OCPD and my particular brand is prone to obsessive negative rumination.  I downloaded iCouch, a cognitive behavioral therapy app, and it is working wonders.  I think I may have finally figured myself out this time… All these years.

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December 2, 2012 at 2:16 pm

Posted in Uncategorized

my sartorial balance

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V-neck sweater over a button down, but preferably not with my Warby Parkers.  Warby Parkers with a white T-shirt or simple crew neck.  Earring, facial hair, watch, jeans, work boots.

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December 2, 2012 at 2:09 pm

Posted in Uncategorized