meus intuitus

Archive for November 2012

bittersweet closure

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Here’s to… The beautiful heart that I have just broken.

It’s unfortunate that she found ambition, hope, and passion for life through me.  These are things that we need to find in ourselves first.  She was so supportive and her style of affection was to give near selflessly.  However, it is not support that I need—I have learned to stand on my own—what I seek is partnership, camaraderie, connection; two separate and strong individuals walking closely paralleled paths.

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November 27, 2012 at 3:16 pm

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fallen

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I have fallen so far from my level of practice two years ago.  It’s time to get back on track.

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November 25, 2012 at 9:30 pm

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what did we learn

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What did we learn from all this?  Trust your gut.  It’s a shame that I had been so long out of the dating scene and too doubting of my intuitions, but now I know much better.

Her mistake was trying to “fix” me.  It is nobody else’s job to bring us contentment, happiness, or completion.  These are things we must find in ourselves.  My mistake was allowing her to try.  My mistake was misinterpreting this “fixing” as actual compatibility.  Indeed, outside of the moments of relationship crisis where there was fixing to be done, I was ridiculously bored.

Addendum after her closure letters (11/27/2012):  She doesn’t blame me—both of us made mistakes and she acknowledges this.  However, where she is wrong is that this was all a mistake.  She may not see it know, but we are both going to walk away from this wiser and stronger.

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November 7, 2012 at 5:10 pm

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fated misery

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Guilt weighs heavily on my conscience today, but there was no way for me to know that things would play out as they did.  I was genuinely uncertain—plagued by self-doubt, loneliness, and lust.  In the end it came down to the realization that I was not interested in her, but the things she gave to me.

There is no right or wrong in life.  Life just is—I tell myself.  She happened to be one who gives too easily and who becomes eternally attached once someone sparks her affections.  Should I not have taken all that was given so readily and rejected her without giving her consideration?  I felt something might have been amiss, but decided let’s give it a whirl why don’t we.  While it is my most automatic tendency, it really is not my job to ensure the happiness of others.  At the end of the day, this was just another attempt that didn’t work out.  All is fair in love and war.

On further consideration, it’s only been two months… Certainly, I am not without blame, but there are issues here that were completely unforeseeable and outside of my control.  The perfect psychological storm for complete catastrophe.  It is not wrong to be honest with myself—the intent is not harm, but a reunion with integrity.  It is not wrong to have made a mistake.

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November 7, 2012 at 10:16 am

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