meus intuitus

meditations on anxiety

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I am almost always in a state of mental tension. To make matters worse, negativity often invades my thoughts and further aggravates my tension—turning it into a more overt anxiety. This is actually quite odd because I am also a confident and socially deft person. Thus I pondered: How can such contradictory traits manifest so seamlessly in one psychology? An answer hit me (in the shower) the other day. My anxiety is not an autonomous one nor is it one born of any real ineptitude. No, my anxiety is a product of my perfectionism. So in response, I evolved my conceptualization of perfection.

Conventional perfection is a relativity, not an absolute. If humanity were “perfect,” biologically, socially, evolutionarily, it would only be relative to a current situation. If humanity were “perfect,” any force of change applied to competitor organisms, our environment, or our societies would find, in humanity, eight billion equally susceptible victims; a population of the “perfect” would be, by definition, homogeneous—and as such, maximally inadapatable. Indeed, conventional perfection is annhilation. Imperfection, on the other hand, is the reason humanity exists today. Imperfection is adaptibility. Imperfection is beauty. Imperfection is strength.

Imperfection is perfection.

So whenever my mind turns on me and sends me into a tailspin of anxiety, I remind myself that whatever I am ruminating about is not evidence of my deficit, but of my inherent perfection. I then say to my ruminating mind, “fuck you, I’m allowed to be imperfect,” and I smile.

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Written by meusintuitus

March 22, 2012 at 5:23 pm

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