meus intuitus

Archive for March 2012

cabin fever

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I find myself tonight with a terrible longing for the world.  I contemplate this path that I am on and it frightens me how swift and unrelenting it is.  Medicine is not a road to be taken lightly.  At its worst, it will batter and embitter you.  At its best, it will swallow everything you have to offer—including your identity.

We work incomprehensibly hard to acquire a massive skill and knowledge set.  With it, we are privileged as the curators of wellness, of life.  With this privilege, we have a responsibility to our brothers and sisters—we must practice, we must work, we must help and heal.  If we do not, it is not only a waste of our own prior efforts, but also a loss to our patients who need us whether they be ones we have met already or not.

Yet.  There is more to life than duty.  There is exploration.  There is perspective.  There is wonder.  These virtues I satisfy with travel, but travel and duty are somewhat exclusive of one another.  One can not simultaneously be a nomad and a pillar of the community.

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March 25, 2012 at 7:07 pm

meditations on anxiety

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I am almost always in a state of mental tension. To make matters worse, negativity often invades my thoughts and further aggravates my tension—turning it into a more overt anxiety. This is actually quite odd because I am also a confident and socially deft person. Thus I pondered: How can such contradictory traits manifest so seamlessly in one psychology? An answer hit me (in the shower) the other day. My anxiety is not an autonomous one nor is it one born of any real ineptitude. No, my anxiety is a product of my perfectionism. So in response, I evolved my conceptualization of perfection.

Conventional perfection is a relativity, not an absolute. If humanity were “perfect,” biologically, socially, evolutionarily, it would only be relative to a current situation. If humanity were “perfect,” any force of change applied to competitor organisms, our environment, or our societies would find, in humanity, eight billion equally susceptible victims; a population of the “perfect” would be, by definition, homogeneous—and as such, maximally inadapatable. Indeed, conventional perfection is annhilation. Imperfection, on the other hand, is the reason humanity exists today. Imperfection is adaptibility. Imperfection is beauty. Imperfection is strength.

Imperfection is perfection.

So whenever my mind turns on me and sends me into a tailspin of anxiety, I remind myself that whatever I am ruminating about is not evidence of my deficit, but of my inherent perfection. I then say to my ruminating mind, “fuck you, I’m allowed to be imperfect,” and I smile.

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March 22, 2012 at 5:23 pm

defiance

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“Metaphysical totalitarianism of any kind stifles the freedom we have as human beings.  It is not acceptable to have a religion where the alternative to faith is punishment—that’s how you train dogs, not develop people.  Spirituality is only great when it allows that utmost freedom to follow it.” ~Deng Ming-Dao, Daily Meditations

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March 17, 2012 at 4:22 am

Posted in contemplation