meus intuitus

Archive for June 2011

urban visions

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I am in Minneapolis for the week and I spent all of an hour today walking around the city.  I quickly grew irritated and retreated to the sanctuary of the library for some quiet study.  I’ve realized what I dislike about cities.  If I walk around, I am hounded by certain demons of humanity.  Loiterers—loud, under-educated, and self-important.  A younger women, buried alive in her materialism.  An older woman with a defeated look on her face and insecurity in her heart.  Ranks of men and women in trouser, shirt, and tie marching to and from their places of hollow purpose.  In cities, I do not see people.  I see products of society—needless to say, it is not what my inner idealist expects of humanity.

Of course, this intuition of mine is human and error-prone, but every time I venture out and take things in, I find myself certain that a there are grains of truth feeding the dramatic and tormented resonations of my soul.

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June 22, 2011 at 12:39 pm

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MN

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Sitting outside of a library in Minnesota proper listening to progressive, doing USMLE problem sets, and watching the world go by.  Memorable little moments.

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June 22, 2011 at 6:22 am

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lessons past

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In my drive to succeed (or just pass), I’ve forgotten what I have learned about happiness and contentment.  I need to remember that such things are choices, not goals.  I can employ anxiety, stress, and dissatisfaction to motivate and enhance my studies (it’s a neurologically supported fact that we learn best at moderate stress levels), but at the end of the day, I need to let it all go and smile.

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June 13, 2011 at 6:46 pm

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note to self

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A year of my life is gone.  I am one year closer to becoming a physician, but this year of medical school has been the most uneventful year of my life.  There is no time for events when one spends over twelve hours a day devoted to study.  I have achieved much, but lived little.  In time-memories density, this year is a lifetime low.

A reminder to future me:  When medical school is long over, residency is finished, and student loans are paid off, take a pay cut.  Live in a small house.  Drive a used car.  Tell your practice or hospital that you will work no more than 40 hours per week.  Take the pay cut and live

…because the people you love will not be around forever and the sun will not always rise for you.

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June 12, 2011 at 1:53 pm

appearances

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A girl I met yesterday told me that I have a cool vibe about my person.  She then, as contrast, told a colleague of mine that he could stand to loosen up (and proceeded to wrench his arms out their crossed position).  I laughed.

Hiphop taught me style and steez—it gave me a wearable confidence.  Half the time, I am as confident as I appear—my mind asserted and my wit sharp.  But the other half of the time, I am whirled about in a storm of my insecurities—while doing my best to maintain my projected expressions otherwise.

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June 11, 2011 at 5:09 am

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maintain

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I have become better at preaching (an infantile understanding) of the Buddhist perspective than I am at practicing it.  Since having my “realization” weeks ago, I have gotten lazy.  Today, my mind is as chaotic as it ever was and my thoughts as much my master as they could ever be.  I need to be more humble.

In health, knowledge, relationships, and spirituality alike, we lose what we gain if we consider ourselves above the effort required to hold.

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June 5, 2011 at 7:24 pm

us

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Pleasure is nice.  Adventure is grand.  Service is noble.  Purpose is divine.   But at the end of the day, what my life is really about is not me.  What your life is really about is not you.  At the end of the day, life is about us.

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June 5, 2011 at 4:37 pm

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