meus intuitus

Archive for November 2010

easy life

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Thanksgiving break has been fantastic.  However, I am glad that my usual life is not break life; relaxation is only enjoyable in the context of purpose.

Written by meusintuitus

November 24, 2010 at 11:54 am

Posted in expression

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determined at conception

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Medical school has made me realize that I am not a very smart person—at least not in the ways valued by the subject matter I have chosen.  Where some spend a mere handful of hours to look over material, I must spend the entirety of my day to achieve a similar level of mastery.

Certainly, I am not alone.  There seem to be many like myself (and likely many more than there seem to be) who have to devote the vast majority of their days to mastery of the material.  However, I can not help but feel slightly envious of those who seem to bobble through this gauntlet more easily than I do.

I am not without thanks for the intellect and work ethic that I do have, but capacities superior to mine have never before been so visible.  The ridiculous demands of medical school shed a light that reveals to us our own and our colleagues’ limits.  When it comes to information absorption and retention, I am clearly not the best!  Humbling.

Written by meusintuitus

November 17, 2010 at 3:11 pm

cliff tide

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Intense moods are something that I have always lived with—from great euphoria to deep depression to indomitable self-assurance to crushing doubt.

My emotions used to run away with me at times—after a certain latent period, they were prone to erupt publicly.  Today, however, I keep my more negative dispositions on a short leash.  Yet, no matter how much control I gain over my outward tendencies, my inner life remains tumultuous.

I have made some progress in tempering my inner storms, but I can only fully exert control over them with the greatest of a certain focus—a focus that I can only achieve in meditation.  Outside of such focus, my moods race on—up and down, and again and around.

Quite certain for now that I will never jump.  Though too it seems that I will never leave.  Forever now I’ll remain atop these cliffs gazing upon the sea of my insanity.

Written by meusintuitus

November 16, 2010 at 8:22 pm

Posted in contemplation