meus intuitus

Archive for March 2010

navigating the space between brilliance and madness

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Learning about the experiences of the bipolar and other classifications of the insane (in my Literature and Medicine class) has led me to entertain some interesting thoughts. In these accounts of ecstasy, mania, and depression, I see shards that reflect my own mind. Although my experiences are nowhere near as intense, I can imagine my own highs and lows amplified. I wonder. I occasionally allow myself to explore the depths of my own mind. Sometimes, I find beautiful things–profound insights that further my progress towards my own enlightenment. However, other times, I find the sleeping seeds of insanity–and I wonder if I will ever suffer their bloom.

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March 31, 2010 at 7:46 pm

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feminism and masculinism

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While women still deal with injustice in our current society, men are also in need of advocacy (especially in certain areas, like family court, which is very important given how commonplace divorce has become)…

“I give my ex and her new husband (they had an affair when both were married, he’s on his third marriage now) $2100/month. My two kids are with me around 60% of the time (overnights in 2009). In actual hours, they are with me 4x as much as they are with her. The combined household income at her place has exceeded what I earn. They have new cars and a lakehouse–one that my kids have been to twice in 1.5 years. I live check to check, with little savings.” -GunFingers (reddit.com)

Another big issue that men face is domestic violence, which accounts for 40% of all domestic violence cases. In this area, battered women have many resources and a great deal of societal support to help them leave or improve their situation. Not so for men. In fact, men face the additional barriers of shame and masculinity that further inhibit them.

We need to move beyond feminism and masculinism (not that the latter exists). Feminism and conceptual masculinism both ignore the issues faced by the other genders (pl to include the non-normatives in the LGBT community). Masculinism would probably also be mistaken for misogyny.

Feminists, would-be masculinists, and all interested others unite! Become a gender equalist today!

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March 28, 2010 at 11:26 am

au revoir

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edit: bonjour!

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March 22, 2010 at 10:16 am

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quitting cocaine

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The most feared vice is the one that I have recently engaged in and, promptly, quit. However, little did I realize that for years now, my life has been plagued by another. My cocaine. My poison. The monkey that remains clutched so adamantly to my back is none other than… the Internet (dramatic music).

Factoids. Memes. Facebook. Youtube. Reddit. Digg. Lolcatz. Pedobear. The Economist. NPR. News. Videos. Amazon. Email. Shopping. Statistics. Advice. Information. Infomercials. Infotainment. Info. Info! INFO! INFO!.

I’ve been wasting time. I’ve let myself down. I’ve been missing out.

My name is ____________, and I am an infoholic. I credit a conversation I had, just moments ago, with this realization. So now, I quit–not cold turkey, but enough so. My abilities, thoughts, and life will be vastly improved when I get this under control. I will still check email as needed, but I will check the inconsequentials (facebook, reddit, news, etc) no more than once a day from now on. Damn drugs.

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March 18, 2010 at 1:20 pm

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open these eyes

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Today, while dancing, I realized that I had closed myself off in more ways than I initially intended to. I shut myself within my own ego to do away with certain insecurities; to find a certain peace. However, for a while now, I have suspected that I have gone astray.

In pictures, I looked upon a countenance that was not what I felt it should be. In my mind, I seethed over shattered ideals and brooded in jaded pragmatism. In the mirror, I saw eyes that were judging and self-absorbed.

In my pursuit of a certain confidence, I ventured too far into the dark. Although I am by no means finished with my self, I have, in fact, found something of what I was looking for. As such, I need not dwell here any longer. I’ll try to make my way back now. I’ll recover the idealism that once drove my every step. I’ll re-open my eyes and my mind.

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March 16, 2010 at 6:45 pm

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playdate with vice

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A few days ago, I did something I never expected I would do. In fact, I still still feel very peculiar when I contemplate the deed and acknowledge it as a part of my personal history. I had my reasons for it. I am no worse off because of it (yet?). However, in the context of my life, thus far, it is an occurrence that is quite out of place.

Many would consider what I did incredibly stupid–and it likely is. Others would consider it shameful–and I am quite reluctant to reveal it… It being a thing often considered a great evil, that has been written about and discussed often, that is a serious topic of discussion for its deleterious effects on individuals and communities.

For all this exposure I have had to it, I have had no experience with it whatsoever, until a few days ago. Certainly, an interesting experience it was, but in going beyond knowing into understanding, I have put myself at risk. As such, it is vital that I give my most solemn vow… never again.

“A dance with the devil and a flirt with the dead” ~Sirenia, A Mental Symphony

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March 15, 2010 at 10:47 pm

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bitter black eyes

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Gazing into a mirror, I looked upon eyes that stared back, narrowed and irritated. They resented the bonds shared by those around them–bonds that they were not a part of. They felt that their hours focused upon research, study, and ambition had left them with a life, unconnected. They were alone. Yet, they would have their black salvation. As the fists clenched, bitterly, the eyes turned to the horizon and saw a future of praise, wealth, and solitude.

Such is the current state of my mind; a state that I would consider a partial delusion. For this mood is not consistent with the reality of my current life; I have not been without camaraderie in these past few days. Yet, this mood must have arisen from something. I wonder, then, what is the reality behind this delusion of despair?

I wonder if this mood might have something to do with our general (human) inability to be understood. That is, despite our longing to be understood, we can never truly understand ourselves, let alone be understood by others. In joy and in suffering, no other can truly know what we are experiencing; indeed, empathy is the closest one can come to understanding another. Empathy, being an understanding with the acknowledgment of the uniqueness of another’s experience–understanding with the admission that we do not fully understand.

Even those who spend decades together do not understand their partners, entirely. There are always parts of us that remain in the shadows. Even in love, a part of us is alone.

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March 9, 2010 at 4:20 pm

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