meus intuitus

Body Image And Some Dark Times

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I am happy with a lot of my life right now, but there is one aspect of my life that I can not help but stress about–my body.  As an ex-obese person, I am very aware of my body and the changes it goes through.  At the “peak” of my physical fitness (just some 12 months ago), I had a modest six pack.  For various reasons since, I have slipped a bit and put on some fat.  This has become quite a source of stress for me.  Yet now, I wonder, which is the greater evil?  To be misaligned with society’s definition of physical attractiveness or to suffer nothing but lean meats and whole vegetables on the daily basis?

Well, I suppose that once I go to medical school and am living off campus again, I will put more effort into providing myself more variety than chicken thighs and salad.  Until then, I am just going to have to deal with the stress of using power of will to overcome poor food choices in the dining halls.

It seems I am regaining the level of passion for life that I used to possess over a year ago.  I do not recall why, but until this last month, I have been in relatively dark spirits.  I questioned my ability to maintain a decent lifestyle.  My motivation for my studies was at a six year low, I loathed each workout I forced myself into, I stopped reading altogether.  I questioned who I was and what I was capable of.  I felt brunt out by life.  I thought about how hard I worked in years prior and I felt like those days were coming to an end…  but I struggled through it all and maintained grades and a physique not very noticeably off from where I should have been had my mindset been better.  The burnout seems to be lifting.

I have been computer gaming a lot this semester and even more during this winter off.  Perhaps all I needed was a break–some time to be a semi waste of life.  Now, the appeal of the game I have been playing is diminishing, workouts are becoming enjoyable again, this semester looks exciting, and Atlas Shrugged is getting fun.

I guess I am on my way back 🙂

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Written by meusintuitus

January 14, 2010 at 11:58 pm

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