meus intuitus

Archive for January 2010

brief liberation

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confined absolutely by cinder block towers further crowded in by doings of ours no place to let be nor draw pure breath no solace in the arms of the cousin of death to escape the hell without I journey within relinquishing the shards of my virtue and sin behind lidded eyes I’ll take a few hours to go “across the universe and inside of flowers” ~K-os


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January 30, 2010 at 12:07 am

Posted in expression

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reflected abandon

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reflected a time features distressed a man not mine laid aside to rest

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January 24, 2010 at 11:59 pm

Posted in contemplation

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Funny Thing Is…

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I came across a good comment today on reddit.  Amidst all the controversy over the Supreme Court’s ruling that corporations are people and money is speech, a point was made that none of this “injustice” to the will of the American people is new.  From Virginia plantation owners to railway barons to modern day corporations…  American “democracy” has always been under corrupt influence.  The ideals this country was founded on were sound:  Checks and balances, an informed public; by the people for the people.  However, the actual course of history–every step of the way–has been far from ideal.  For sure, things could be much worse.  For sure, many things have gone right.  However, there is still a fundamental problem with American government (any government) that no nation builder can ever guard against.

Service as a state or national representative was meant to be an honor–a privilege.  However, with that privilege are certain perks–and most perceive no dishonor in accepting.  When it comes down to it, the problem is neither the system nor the ruling elite.  When it comes down to it, the problem is one that lies within us all.

We all would like to believe that if we had the power to enact change, we would use it only for what is right and that we would never use it for selfish purposes (however large or small).  We expect this of our political leaders.  However, our expectations are irrational.

If you had the power to make deals and change lives, no doubt you would aspire to use it for good.  However, if you could also improve your own situation, perhaps at only a small expense to others, wouldn’t you?

I have lied.  I have cheated on tests.  I have shoplifted.  I have gotten away with these.  What have you gotten away with?  What do you think your governors, legislators and presidents can get away with?

The argument for any government is that people can do evil.  However, who can constitute the government but people?

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January 23, 2010 at 12:35 am

Freestyle Forever

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Medical school was looming, responsibilities were growing, and I was not making any great progress in becoming an acknowledge-able dancer at b-boy jams.  I began to think only about the futility of my efforts.  I was ready to give up.  I began to excuse myself by telling myself that I would soon have “higher” and more noble things to tend to.

I “knew” that my dance was about self-expression, but I did not fully internalize it.  I was bogged down by concerns regarding my lack of the flashiest moves, perfect footwork, and competitiveness.  However, I now realize that those concerns are all external.  Shallow.  Flashy moves are meaningful only so long as they embody who I am.  Perfect footwork is desirable only in the context of spectators.  Competition matters only if I both partake in it and care about it.

I dance for, above all else, myself.  Peer and public recognition is enjoyable, but only because it is recognition of my expression… my self.  I do not need acrobatics.  I do not need perfection.  I will always have music so I will always dance.  I will dance with others.  I will dance in my home.  I will dance in public.  I will dance alone.  I will dance.

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January 21, 2010 at 10:50 am

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Bloodline Feud

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Real family feuds are no joke.  They are full of misunderstanding, vengeance, and hate.  There are a lot of vicious elements related to relationships, gossip, and money that perpetuate them…  and unlike other conflicts, they are virtually inescapable.  Unless you completely detach yourself from your feuding bloodlines, you will enjoy the sorrows of being at their juncture.

I hate drama.

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January 17, 2010 at 12:59 pm

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Impending End, Impending Beginning

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I find myself in a peculiar mood today.  It seems that, at last, I have been struck by the weight of the changes soon to take place in my life.  This realization has caused me to reflect more not only on my years in college, but on my life as a whole.  There is so much going through my mind that I will not venture into any details–to do so would be a disservice to the depth of what I am feeling.  There is no single word that describes this feeling.  To use several, I would say it is a mix of sadness, nostalgia, and appreciation.  Another chapter of my life is about to end and a new chapter is about to begin.

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January 16, 2010 at 7:57 pm

Body Image And Some Dark Times

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I am happy with a lot of my life right now, but there is one aspect of my life that I can not help but stress about–my body.  As an ex-obese person, I am very aware of my body and the changes it goes through.  At the “peak” of my physical fitness (just some 12 months ago), I had a modest six pack.  For various reasons since, I have slipped a bit and put on some fat.  This has become quite a source of stress for me.  Yet now, I wonder, which is the greater evil?  To be misaligned with society’s definition of physical attractiveness or to suffer nothing but lean meats and whole vegetables on the daily basis?

Well, I suppose that once I go to medical school and am living off campus again, I will put more effort into providing myself more variety than chicken thighs and salad.  Until then, I am just going to have to deal with the stress of using power of will to overcome poor food choices in the dining halls.

It seems I am regaining the level of passion for life that I used to possess over a year ago.  I do not recall why, but until this last month, I have been in relatively dark spirits.  I questioned my ability to maintain a decent lifestyle.  My motivation for my studies was at a six year low, I loathed each workout I forced myself into, I stopped reading altogether.  I questioned who I was and what I was capable of.  I felt brunt out by life.  I thought about how hard I worked in years prior and I felt like those days were coming to an end…  but I struggled through it all and maintained grades and a physique not very noticeably off from where I should have been had my mindset been better.  The burnout seems to be lifting.

I have been computer gaming a lot this semester and even more during this winter off.  Perhaps all I needed was a break–some time to be a semi waste of life.  Now, the appeal of the game I have been playing is diminishing, workouts are becoming enjoyable again, this semester looks exciting, and Atlas Shrugged is getting fun.

I guess I am on my way back 🙂

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January 14, 2010 at 11:58 pm