meus intuitus

disconcerting

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Her anxiety on the day she left for Europe was disconcerting. She made lists for herself of things to do, was unproductive, and drank wine to self-medicate her anxiety. She seriously violated my attempts at setting boundaries as I had made plans that night to see friends, which she pressured me enough to make me late for. This is on top of a general tendency to self-medicate with opiates, benzos, alcohol, and stimulants. She admits to feeling addicted to Adderal and she has trouble stopping the usage of this. She experiences chronic back pain. She also has occasional episodes of unreasonable anger such as when I cut my hair to a style she dislikes. She has a tendency towards relational selfishness as she monologues and emotionally dumps. She becomes angry when I set limits about this.

I am someone who tends to put the needs of others ahead of mine. As such, writing this is an attempt at clarity–to see through the fog.

This is my promise to myself: I will make no long-term commitments (pets, cohabitation, marriage) to this woman if these issues are not resolved.

  • Her self-medication with controlled substances and alcohol ends
  • She becomes more diplomatic in her approach to conflict and slower to anger
  • She emotionally dumps on me less than once a month
  • I feel a genuine sense of optimism that I currently lack

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August 27, 2016 at 3:09 pm

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view of manhattan

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I need to connect with better women haha. It was almost the same date as Z. A sense of connection, alcohol, her revealing that she dates shitty men, sex (or at least we would have if I went to her place), her realizing that I would probably figure her out, and the next day she disappears. I see better now how a sense of intense connection is not necessarily good especially in the context of alcohol. I see better now how a real and genuine connection takes months and many sober dates to develop. Who are the healthiest and possibly compatible I’ve met this year? Jenni, Bryn, Tina. Still, that moment on the bench was a nice one, that bone marrow was delicious, and the oysters were briny.

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June 14, 2015 at 3:54 pm

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new museum

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I was out of my element. I was caught off guard. I lost my confidence. I lost my humor. No wonder it didn’t work out. In the future the first few dates will be simpler and safer. Doing adventurous things during the early dating phase introduces variables and should be done with great consideration. Besides, she had a very negative attitude towards everything so I probably don’t need that anyway. So far I have had two “catches” but I haven’t been able to keep because I have been too genuine with what I feel. I need to be consistent and reliable, but more stoic going forward, maintaining that I am the prize.

Update: No, it really had nothing to do with me and everything to do with the subject and her negative attitude. It works out anyway.

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March 8, 2015 at 3:56 pm

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why I quit facebook

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  • I checked it compulsively
  • I felt anxious about checking it, I felt anxious for approval and “likes”
    • I would agonize over how many likes a post would get and I would delete, repost, edit, delete posts
  • I wasted a lot of time on it
  • Contrary to what I believed about myself, I was not “above” feeling worse about myself at seeing the glory pictures of others; I definitely felt worse about my own life after seeing a lot of other peoples’ highights (food pics, lake Atitlan, girlfriends)
  • I felt like I wasn’t fully “living” my life with all the time I spent on facebook

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February 6, 2015 at 6:05 am

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Kafka-esque G0nza13z

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A man, 30-some years old, aggressive, knuckles red from violence, intoxicated. For the safety of the staff we sedate him. He snores for an hour and a half until-

“Doctor, he doesn’t look so good.”

“…”

I looked through the observation window to see a body a little too limp to be only sleeping. Was it the position of his head and neck? The uncomfortable splay of his limbs? An instinct passed along by the nurses already in the room? Somehow even from 10 feet away we just knew. This man was dead. I entered. I’ll never forget the whisper of blue in his fingertips, the simultaneous warmth and cold in his hands—like a piece of chicken partially microwaved. I’ll never forget laying my fingers across his still-warm neck and the stillness of the pulseless.

“There’s no pulse, I’m starting chest compressions.”

The code team arrived minuets later. Ill never forget Senta and the rest coming in like troop reinforcements.

PEA arrest, ventricular fibrillation, one shock, asystole

A 30-something man comes in intoxicated and red-knuckled with violence. He leaves with a white sheet over his face. Why? What do we learn from this? Is there any meaning in this?

Kafka-esque

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January 19, 2015 at 6:58 pm

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Arroz con Gandules

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So I’m at a Puerto Rican lunch counter joint replete with possible Puerto Ricans and want to order some “arroz con gandules” (rice with pidgeon peas) as recommended by a PR coworker. Do I say “arroz con gandules” with the accent that I am somewhat capable of, “arroz con gandules” with a deliberately American accent just to avoid sounding like that guy who over-pronounces foreign words I mean I know I speak some Spanish but nobody else knows that and god forbid anyone thinks I‘m trying too hard, “rice with pidgeon peas” and risk not being understood (I can’t seem to find it on the menu, I was just told to order “arroz con gandules” and what if they don’t know that we call gandules “pidgeon peas” I mean I only just learned that pidgeon peas and gandules were a thing myself a few hours ago), “rice with peas” and risk getting an entirely different kind of pea from the one I want, or maybe I should’ve filled that script for klonopin because all this ruminating is sounding a lot like an anxiety disorder after all.

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December 25, 2014 at 12:19 pm

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nah

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New Yorkers are a lot like me. There are people unlike me but also a lot of people a lot like me.

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December 14, 2014 at 8:23 pm

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